The Art of Deep Listening
The Art of Deep Listening
(and why our wellbeing depends on it)
Listening is a skill. Active listening, which involves giving our full attention to the speaker, validating their feelings and responding with empathy, helps build trust and emotional resilience. It allows the speaker to feel safe, unjudged and heard.
In today’s frenetic world where our attention is often shared with a device of some kind, active or intentional listening has become a rarity. Yet research and expert insights show that active, empathic listening is essential - not just for communication - but also for our emotional, mental and physical wellbeing.
Active listening is a crucial skill for all of us to practice, and exceedingly important when interacting with early learners. It helps to lay the foundation for their emotional, cognitive and social development. When adults listen with full attention, children feel seen and heard, essential for their developing sense of self. They feel as if their thoughts and feelings matter, essential for building confidence and self-expression. They feel safe and secure, essential for building trust and enthusiasm to engage in meaningful conversations. It also strengthens their language skills and enhances cognitive development.
But when children are faced with a parent or caregiver who has one ear on their device and another on them, the message is they’re not that important. When the adult in their life is preoccupied, they may feel overlooked or emotionally neglected. And when this becomes more of the norm, it can lead to feelings of insecurity, anxiety and difficulty managing those bigger feelings and emotions.
We all thrive on emotional connection. When young children don’t receive adequate attention, they may struggle with self-regulation, emotional expression, and building healthy relationships later in life.
What the Experts say about Listening + Wellbeing
The connection between listening and mental wellbeing is profound. New York psychiatrist and co-founder of Narativ, Dr Paul Browde, stresses that the act of deep listening counters the isolation many of us experience. "In a world filled with noise - both literal and metaphorical - many people are starved for the experience of being truly listened to," he says. This lack of deep listening often leads to loneliness, depression and alienation.
He teaches that intentional listening - both to ourselves and others - significantly improves mental health. Listening - without the need to fix or respond immediately - communicates safety and encourages open and vulnerable conversation. It’s not just a cognitive activity; listening involves the whole body. It supports stress reduction and overall emotional wellbeing.
Listening does more than allow us to hear words; it creates space for deep connection where people feel heard and can heal. Dr. Bessel van der Kolk, author of The Body Keeps the Score, emphasises that trauma disconnects people from their emotions and bodies. One critical step in healing, he explains, is the ability to communicate and be listened to. "Trauma almost invariably involves not being seen, not being mirrored, and not being taken into account," he writes. Active, empathetic listening opens pathways for emotional expression and reflection, which are crucial for healing. Healing begins when someone can share their story and feel truly listened to.
Listening requires vulnerability - not just from the speaker but also from the listener. Brené Brown, social researcher, author and expert on vulnerability, argues that empathy is impossible without deep listening. Empathy, she explains, involves "feeling with people," which requires setting aside our own thoughts to understand someone else’s emotions.
Brown emphasizes that empathy is not about offering advice or fixing problems but rather about acknowledging another person’s feelings. In her TED Talk, The Power of Vulnerability, she says, “Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.” This connection is nurtured through listening with empathy, allowing both the speaker and listener to feel more connected and understood.
Neuroscience shows that meaningful conversations - where we truly feel heard - release oxytocin, the ‘happy’ hormone, which in turn reduces stress and promotes feelings of trust and connection. In contrast, feeling unheard triggers the release of cortisol, the stress hormone, which can lead to chronic stress and illness.
Dr. Stephen Porges, known for developing the Polyvagal Theory, explains that feeling safe in relationships - achieved through listening - activates the parasympathetic nervous system, which promotes relaxation and healing. Listening is not only crucial for our emotional health but also has a direct impact on our physical wellbeing by calming the nervous system.
The challenges of Listening in our world today
Despite its clear benefits to our mental, physical and emotional wellbeing, deep listening seems to be a rarity these days. “True listening, the kind that creates change and connection, is slow and deliberate,” says Brené Brown. But we’re living in a culture that focuses on - and applauds - productivity, quick fixes and multi-tasking. We are all the worse off for it and our little ones are suffering greatly.
Learning to listen deeply, and with intention, takes practice. Here are a few tips to help you further fine tune your listening skills with both the adults and children in your life:
- Be Present: Focus fully on the speaker, avoiding distractions like phones or screens.
- Practice Empathy: Try to understand the emotions behind the words.
- Resist the Urge to Respond Immediately: Often, all a speaker needs is to feel heard, not advised. Listen fully before replying.
- Reflect and Validate: Repeat back what the speaker has said to ensure your understanding and to show you’re fully engaged.
- Create Safe Spaces: Foster an environment where your team and children feel safe to share openly.
Conclusion
Listening is more than a passive act of hearing words; it’s an active, engaged practice that promotes emotional, mental and physical wellbeing. The power of true listening is undeniable and exceedingly important for the healthy development of our children. When we listen deeply and intentionally, we open the door to greater health and wellbeing, stronger relationships, and a more compassionate society.
This is the world I wish for our little ones.
Author
Beth Borowsky is the Founder and Head of Wellbeing Education at The Karma Class, a company dedicated to elevating wellbeing culture within centres with transformational (and accredited) PD and kids yoga classes. Beth is a mum, former Montessori pre-school teacher and lecturer, and one of Sydney’s most inspiring kids and adult yoga teachers, teacher trainers and retreat leaders. Her passion is to inspire others to live a life of health, vitality and joy through daily practices that keep us all thriving.