Helping Young Children Manage Grief
Helping Young Children Manage Grief
My mother passed away just recently. She was 89, frail and still in deep grief from losing her beloved (my dad) just 18 months ago. She was very ready to depart, and I know it was time, but the reality still rankles and jostles me to the core.
Grief is a strange beast; it wanders at its will and disrupts at its whim. It's relentless and demands to be felt. For many, it requires a ‘permission’ to lean into the discomfort of deep loss with kindness and compassion; permission to feel all the feels and not need to 'do' anything with them. To just be sad. In grief.
Navigating difficult topics
How do we navigate difficult topics like death, dying and grief with our children? How do we tread ever so carefully and yet still offer honesty and transparency? How do we explain that there is a beginning and an ending to everything that is alive and in between is a lifetime.
Grief is a profound and complex emotion, and when it comes to young children – especially those as young as three – the process of understanding and coping with death presents unique challenges. At this developmental stage, children often do not grasp the permanence of death. Their understanding evolves over time, and their grief can manifest in ways that may seem confusing to adults: tantrums, regression, or even apparent indifference. It’s essential for parents, caregivers and educators to create safe, nurturing spaces for children to express their feelings and begin the journey of healing.
How young children understand Death
Child psychologist and founder of the Centre for Loss and Life Transition, Dr. Alan Wolfelt, explains how children under the age of five often see death as temporary or reversible - similar to how it's portrayed in cartoons. As a result, they may repeatedly ask when the deceased person is coming back, not out of denial, but because they don't yet fully comprehend what has occurred.
Using clear, age-appropriate language is critical. Euphemisms like "went to sleep" or "passed away" can confuse or frighten children, potentially leading to sleep disturbances or anxiety. “Children need concrete explanations,” says Dr. Donna Schuurman, an internationally recognized authority on grief and bereaved children, teens, and families. “Telling a child ‘Grandpa died because his body stopped working’ is much more helpful than vague language.” If we don’t use correct and clear words, children can misunderstand or use their imaginations to fill in the blanks, which can leave them fearful, concerned and confused.
Practical Tips for parents and caregivers
Consistency and routine are especially important during times of loss. Maintaining daily schedules helps create a sense of security. At the same time, caregivers should remain emotionally available and validate children’s feelings. Statements like “It’s okay to feel sad” or “I miss Grandma too” normalise grief and teach that expressing emotion is healthy.
Being present and listening without rushing to explain or fix things is another vital strategy. Letting a child cry, ask questions, or even express anger can be healing. Dr. David Schonfeld, director of the National Centre for School Crisis and Bereavement, highlights “Children grieve in spurts. They may cry one minute and want to play the next. This doesn’t mean they aren’t grieving; it’s just their way of coping.”
Classroom support
Supporting young children through grief requires sensitivity, consistency, and developmentally appropriate strategies. Here are five effective ways educators can help:
- Create a safe and supportive environment
- Offer a calm, predictable routine that provides children with a sense of stability.
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- Allow space for the child to express their emotions without judgement.
- Use comforting language and be emotionally available.
- Use age-appropriate language to talk about loss
- Avoid euphemisms like “gone to sleep” or “passed away,” which can confuse young children.
- Use clear, honest, and simple explanations - “He died, which means his body stopped working and he won’t come back.”
- Encourage expression through play and art
- Provide materials for drawing, storytelling or role-playing to help children express emotions non-verbally.
- Observe these activities for signs of how the child is processing their grief.
- Read books about grief and emotions
- Share picture books that explore themes of loss, love and remembrance in gentle, relatable ways.
- Discuss the story together to help children identify and normalise their feelings.
- Partner with families and mental health professionals
- Maintain open communication with parents and caregivers to ensure consistent support across settings.
- Refer to school counsellors or child psychologists when needed, especially if grief significantly affects behaviour or development.
Recommended books about grief for young children (Ages 3–8)
The Invisible String by Patrice Karst
A gentle story that reassures children that love connects us, even when someone is gone. Great for helping with separation anxiety and grief.
When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death by Laurie Krasny Brown and Marc Brown
Provides clear, honest answers to children’s questions about death. Addresses emotions, rituals, and coping strategies.
The Goodbye Book by Todd Parr
Uses simple language and bright illustrations to normalise grief and saying goodbye. Ideal for very young children or children with developmental differences.
I Miss You: A First Look at Death by Pat Thomas
Offers straightforward, supportive explanations and conversation starters. Written by a psychotherapist with children’s mental health in mind.
Lifetimes: The Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children by Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen
Emphasizes the natural cycle of life in a non-religious, comforting way.
Grief-Supportive Activities
Memory Box or Jar
Invite children to decorate a box or jar where they can place drawings, photos or written memories of the person or pet who died. Encourage storytelling about those memories.
Feelings Chart or Wheel
Help children identify and label emotions like sadness, anger, confusion, or even guilt. Use emoji-like visuals or faces to help non-readers express themselves.
“Goodbye Letter” Writing or Drawing
Invite the child to create a letter or picture for the person or pet who died, expressing what they loved or miss. This can be placed in their memory box or read aloud if they’re ready.
Grief Garden
Plant flowers or a small tree in memory of the loved one. Allow the child to help care for it and reflect on the growth as a symbol of their love continuing.
Storytelling Circle
In small groups, let children take turns sharing a happy or funny memory. Educators can model storytelling and support children who aren’t ready to speak.
Conclusion
As someone who is currently immersed in profound grief, I realise how important it is to give myself time. Grieving isn't about pushing the pain away or getting through it fast and moving on. Grief is a natural and necessary part of healing; not a problem to be solved but rather an experience to be supported.
For young children, who may lack the vocabulary or emotional tools to articulate their loss, the presence of compassionate adults is essential. Whether through therapeutic play, open conversations, or reading together, the goal is to validate their feelings, provide comfort, and help them understand that while death is a part of life, love, connection and sweet memories endure.
Author: Beth Borowsky is a former Montessori pre-school teacher and lecturer, and one of Sydney’s most inspiring kids and adult yoga teachers, teacher trainers and retreat leaders. As the Founder and Head of Wellbeing Education at The Karma Class, she teaches educators how to weave daily Peace Pauses into every day through their Karma Classroom PD.